FAMILY STORIES
The first time I accepted
my brother had a
problem with Heroin was when I received a phone call from his
fiancé telling me
‘Matt’s dead”. She was one week away from giving birth to my nephew and
it was
the day after my 26th birthday.
He had overdosed in his car in a Richmond
street during the early hours of that morning.
The toxicology report found an assortment
of sleeping pills and headache tablets in his system, but ultimately
his heart
had stopped, almost instantly, from one fatal injection of Heroin.
My brother was eight years older than me,
that’s quite a difference when you are young, but not for the last few
years we
had together, age was irrelevant. He was just my best friend.
However, because of that age gap growing
up, I was blissfully unaware of my brother’s addiction to Heroin. Most
of the
memories I have of those times are from what I have been told later in
life.
Matt went to Odyssey House at the age of
15. It was his only chance to stay out of Jail for numerous offences,
mainly
stealing and forgery. Thanks to the
experts there, he came home to us and finished his HSC (High School
Certificate) in the top 10% in Victoria. My parents had their son back
and I
had a brother to get to know.
I often said in the last few years we had
to together, that I was the older of us. Certainly the more responsible
one! I knew a little of his past, but
mainly I knew he had a side to him that liked to live like there was no
tomorrow! I was always trying to protect him and keep him safe. I would
always
be the one to say ‘lets go home now.” He never listened to me though!
Perhaps I
took in more than I thought all those years ago. The mind does funny
things
doesn’t it? As I write this now, I realise that maybe my attempts to
protect
him and make him go home when I thought we’d had enough, were because
deep down
I knew that this day could come.
All I know for sure is that the day I took
that phone call was the worst day of my life.
I was at work. My parents were in Queensland on a holiday
and my other
brother (6 years older) was in Bendigo where he lives. In a cloud of
shock and
complete disbelief, my body managed to call my mum and tell her the
news.
My family’s world changed forever July 13,
2004.
I lost my brother. You go through life
expecting to lose your grandparents and parents, but you never think
about
losing your sibling.
I lost my innocence.
I lost the recklessness and carelessness I
had for life and my actions.
I lost the feeling of immortality I’d
always had, we don’t live forever
I gained an awareness of how precious every
day is
I gained an awareness of the deep and
unconditional love I have for my family, and I make sure I tell them so
every
time I talk to them.
I gained a maturity and a grander picture
of life, that I would swap for my innocence any day! But that I am
grateful to
have.
I gained a sense of what is important in
life, what counts, and what the small things are that we should never
give more
than a second's thought.
I also gained a sensitivity to the
‘junkies’ I see on the street and their families. They all have them!
My brother was not your ‘stereotypical’
heroin user to look at, but I’ve learnt through this experience, that
there are
a lot of people that aren’t.
I don’t judge anymore. I don’t assume that
addictions, to any substance, are simple and clear-cut. I still get
very angry
with the people that ‘use’, but I accept that there is a person with a
story
behind what you see. Now when I look, I
see someone’s brother or sister, son or daughter, mum or dad.
My brother lived in a beautiful apartment
and he had a beautiful fiancé. He had a 7 year old daughter to
another partner
that loved him unconditionally. He had a baby boy one week away from
meeting
his dad. He had his own Dad, Mum, brother and sister that adored him.
To look
at this happy picture from the outside, no one would ever have imagined
that he
wasn’t going to grow old with us, that tragically and suddenly one
morning
Heroin would take him away from us.
I am so thankful for the time I had with
him, for those few special years when he came back to us. When I grew
into the
person I am today… a person that was lucky enough to be influenced by
him.
I
I know first hand the struggle families are confronted with through drug use in their family. Deep down an addict is still a person who happens to be somebody's friend, mother, father, son, daughter, sister, he could even be your brother, just like he happens to be my brother. The saying that you can pick your friend but you can't pick your family is true. Having a drug user in the family there have been times when I'd wish very hard that I could pick somebody else to be my brother. I'd hate him then I'd love him, then I didn't know what to feel. The rollercoaster of emotions seemed like something that nobody else could understand, well at least that's how I felt at the time.
I always felt like I was the only person in the world that had a brother that was an addict. Everybody I knew seemed to have the perfect family. None of my friends were experiencing what I was going through. It took me along time to tell anyone what was happening in my family and as a result of that my life started to suffer. Not only was his life a mess but also mine was becoming more difficult. I gave up on certain things that once use to be the most important things in my life and made him and his problems my universe. I thought I could fix what was happening, I believed all it would take was to get him to live drug free, and life would go back to normal and we'd all live happily ever after. I really believed it was as simple as that, boy was I a fool. Things didn't go as planned instead they went from bad to worse.
I got to a point where my emotions were dried up and I became numb to the pain he was causing. My brother had become one of them. What and who he'd become was against all my standards and I was beginning to hate him for that. I no longer could cope with the situation I was confronted with and decided it was time to get out. My family and I tried to get help but of course a crisis always happens out of hours. I wished that there were someone I could talk to. Not a counsellor, I didn't need help, I wanted someone who could understand what I was going through.
I found out about Family Drug Help in October last year and my immediate thoughts were finally after all this time families could get help. Somebody had finally realised that it's not only the user who suffers, but his or her family and friends too. One of the greatest experiences I had through Family Drug Help was attending the peer support-training workshop. The training made me look hard at who I was and the relationship I shared with my brother. May I just add that the relationship was very strained at this point and I had almost given up hope on him.
The training put a lot of things into perspective for me and empowered me to begin again. I've learnt to live my own life and enjoy my own activities, no matter what's happening with him. It was a pretty hard lesson to learn. I have realised that dealing with drug addiction is not an easy process for anyone in the family. Families need to accept that the only person who can change the addict's behaviour ultimately is themselves, they will change when they are ready and not before. What I want for him may not be what he wants for himself. Family Drug Help has helped me to see this by, teaching ways to support him through what he is going through without needing to change him and without putting too much pressure/stress on myself. Through them I have gained a better understanding of drug and alcohol issues and group processes. Family Drug Help has taken away the isolation families' feel.
It's a great feeling at the end of the call when the caller thanks you. Most people who call are angry and frustrated, all I can do is offer them a shoulder to cry and allow them to express their anger and frustration that they may not be able to show to anyone else. I can empathise with these people, which is different to sympathy. I know first hand how it feels to have someone pity you. Callers don't won't to be pitied instead they want someone who understand their emotions because they have walked in similar shoes to them. I'm certainly no expert and I never try to tell people I am. If they are after expertise I refer them on, but most times people are happy to talk and share their feelings with you. It's all about installing hope back into someone's life when all seems doomed.
There are times when you get off the phone and you feel useless, but I am learning that simply listening, affirming and accepting another person's experience has great value. One of the greatest lessons in life Family Drug Help taught me is to have unconditional positive regard.
It certainly is one of the most interesting and challenging experiences in my life. I am extremely motivated to help others, due to the lack of help and support available to me as I have been helped. Although I myself have not made a call to Family Drug Help it, has still impacted on me and helped me through tough times and any personal issues that have come up in my life. The staff at Family Drug Help and fellow peer support workers have been there to listen, just as I do on the phone. They have helped me with the ongoing adjustments to and coping with drug issues in my own family. The support network is fantastic and I always feel fully supported. Family Drug Help is a fantastic service and a wonderful support network for everybody in the family not just mums and dads. Brothers and sisters are affected too. Families need to be included in the process. It's really important to be able to talk about the situation openly. You need to realise that you're not alone, that you don't need to battle this yourself. It's important to be in contact with other people who have shared this experience.
Brothers and sisters feel isolated, helpless and frightened. Many people judge families when a child is using drugs not taking into the equation the multitude of factors that may be at play. It is important brothers and sisters convey their feelings as they face the difficulties associated with continuing to love and support a sibling with a drug use problem, while still looking after themselves and possibly other family members at the same time.
I believe
in telling the user there is hope and telling the families not to give
up hope. He is not somebody's brother, he is my brother! He has a
loving, supportive family.
Sure there are times when I've felt overwhelmed, fearful of hurting
others or felt inadequate as a peer support worker, but hopefully I am
making a difference!
I know first hand the struggles young people are confronted with through drug use in their family. I have watched on with fear, pain and confusion for many years as my brother struggled with drug use.
For 10 years I tried to keep it a secret not telling anyone because I felt ashamed and unable to. Although people new I would never actually admit it. I was scared to tell my friends because I feared they would judge me, or that they'd judge my family. Which is exactly what happened when people started to find out.
People would talk about my brother as being a 'junkie' and blame his problems on the family. My family was viewed as no-hopers. My mum was judged as being a bad mother. All this wasn't made any easier by the fact she was a single mum raising four kids. My father passed away when I was 11.
It was assumed my family was dysfunctional and inevitable my brother was using drugs. How wrong they were, he has a loving supportive family.
People reacted in very different ways; we lost friend because they didn't want to associate with us. My siblings and I were outcasts at school simply because we choose to avoid the drug scene. A lot of our friends were smoking bongs, but that was seen to be cool and the done thing in secondary school. You only became a 'druggie' if you moved on to harder drugs (heroin).
The greatest reaction came from the teachers. They labelled the whole family as no-hopers and were recently shocked to hear of our success. They always thought we'd take the same path as my brother and they had no shame in admitting this. Comments such as 'your brothers a junkie, a low life scum' hurt and cause pain.
Siblings
tend to get pushed aside unintentionally and the user becomes number
one. I didn't want to be a burden to mum and put any extra strain on
her, so I pretended I was fine and coping really well when in fact I
wasn't. I wanted to reach out but didn't know how. Mum already had
enough to cope with without me creating extra pressure.
Only very recently have I been able to talk openly about my brother and
his problem and that's is because of Family Drug Help.
I found out about Family Drug Help in October last year and my immediate thoughts were finally after all this time families could get help. Somebody had finally realised that it's not only the user who suffers, but his or her family and friends too. One of the greatest experiences I had through Family Drug Help was attending the peer support-training workshop. The training made me look hard at who I was and the relationship I shared with my brother. May I just add that the relationship was very strained at this point and I had almost given up hope on him.
The training put a lot of things into perspective for me and empowered me to begin again. I've learnt to live my own life and enjoy my own activities, no matter what's happening with him. It was a pretty hard lesson to learn. I have realised that dealing with drug addiction is not an easy process for anyone in the family. Families need to accept that the only person who can change the addict's behaviour ultimately is themselves, they will change when they are ready and not before. What I want for him may not be what he wants for himself. Family Drug Help has helped me to see this by, teaching ways to support him through what he is going through without needing to change him and without putting too much pressure/stress on myself. Through them I have gained a better understanding of drug and alcohol issues and group processes. Family Drug Help has taken away the isolation families' feel.
It's a great feeling at the end of the call when the caller thanks you. Most people who call are angry and frustrated, all I can do is offer them a shoulder to cry and allow them to express their anger and frustration that they may not be able to show to anyone else. I can empathise with these people, which is different to sympathy. I know first hand how it feels to have someone pity you. Callers don't won't to be pitied instead they want someone who understand their emotions because they have walked in similar shoes to them. I'm certainly no expert and I never try to tell people I am. If they are after expertise I refer them on, but most times people are happy to talk and share their feelings with you. It's all about installing hope back into someone's life when all seems doomed.